15. Sun

“She was the sun. But it was too much for him. To save himself from melting, he had to leave. But what he doesn’t know was that – he was the reason why she was too bright. That’s why when he left, she lost her spark.”

To burn for someone is to melt in the process.

“She was the sunrise. Unfortunately, he loves the sunset.”

(Artwork from The Forbidden Love Story by Gabriel Picolo)

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13. Mosaic

When I met you, I knew in some way, you would hold significance to my life. I knew you were going to be a constant. I knew you would change me.
Yes, we had our disagreements, but we always made our way back to each other. I always felt you in my heart, there’s nothing you could do to make me that upset for long. I already needed you.

You have issues. Internal struggles with yourself, external issues with your family and others around you and it weighs you down. But the struggles you faced made it impossible for you to love me the way you wanted to, the way I needed you to. Still, for a year I held on, praying you would stay with me, praying you would get better. Through all the fights, the petty disagreements, I stayed.

I loved you without restrictions and caution. I knew you could be better. I wanted to see that happen for you. I wanted to help you get to where you should be. I believed in you. I would do, anything for you.
My expectations and whatever other struggles you faced were too much for you, and the pressure you put on yourself suffocated you. Your eyes began to wander. You wanted something easier, someone who wouldn’t push you to be better.

You found what you were looking for, right after you actually ended it with me, which still hurts me more than you could ever know.
Fast forward a few months from the day you told me someone else had more to offer, you tell everyone that you’re happy. You’ve come in and out of my life so frequently, breaking bits and pieces of me more and more every time. You tell me you’re happy.

As I watched it happen, I felt pieces of myself, my soul, disintegrate and disappear. I grew colder, I put a wall up around myself. Letting myself feel soft for you only hurt me worse.

I didn’t want to move on from you. I hoped that you would come back and sweep me up and make things better. But eventually, I have to move on. I have to heal myself. I have to fix what you shattered. It didn’t come easily, and nearly everyday is a struggle… but I have to.

I knew that the love you had to give me had already run out and it hurts. I remember feeling as though I was the person you cared most about in this world. I remember feeling so lost as to where I stood with you. Realizing you had fallen out of love with me is one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had.

But at the same time, it thrills me that I’ve experienced someone – because you were an experience, not just a person to be met – that has made such an impact on me. I think I’m having one of those lucky days. Although, it might just be me missing you yet again.

Sometimes, I wonder what kind of direction my life would’ve taken if I had never met you. I can’t decide if it would be better or worse, and that’s what scares me most about all of this. I still can’t decide if I actually wish I had never met you. I think there’s a part of me, no matter how badly we hurt each other, that will always be so grateful to have had the chance to know you. For as much as you broke me, you made me whole in different ways.

I’m glad you were what broke me, so I can be better. I was given the chance to become that much more whole. I got to see the risks in which you can love someone, the ways in which love can change you. You were a beautiful destroyer, but the beauty doesn’t have a hold on me anymore. For all that you got from me, for all of the ways you ruined me, and the ways you so hurt me, I have to learn from them.

Maybe our love’s purpose was designed to break, after all. We were meant to be a love that ruined and wrecked, that will lead us to grow and change, though we fought it every step of the way. Our love went with pain. It is the greatest teacher, as it instructs us what not to do in the future, so as to avoid that harsh experience in another, similar instance.

Even though it hurts, I will still keep those memories. They break me, but that pain of remembering it both hurts and heals. If you’ve taught me anything, it’s that loving you was both my destruction, and my salvation. You might have broken me into pieces, and you may have destroyed a part of who I used to be. In all the times that you left me shattered by myself, I made a mosaic of our broken memories. This mosaic of love and hatred is how I love you now.

Isaiah 66:9

“I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord.”

Naalala ko lang yung sinabi ni Tristan, na dapat meron tayong verse na magiging guide or life mantra natin. Naalala ko ang verse na ito. Dennotatively this is about the pain in giving birth to a child. In my current situation, it says that – All of the pain that you have been going through, all of the heartache or sadness, cannot compare to all
of the joy that is ahead in your life. You will have something better than what you had before. In the end, when the pain is over, He will give you something new to look forward to or replace the thing that caused you pain with something even more fulfilling. For you to get better, you have to go through the worst moments.

Sabi nga nila, lahat ng pain may mga lesson yan. Kaso nga lang, di ko kasi matutunan yang mga lesson na yan kaya heto, paulit-ulit lang din yung pain na nararamdaman ko. Charot. Negative thinker ako pero kumakapit pa rin naman ako sa silver lining, umaasa pa rin ako na magiging ok din ang mga bagay-bagay balang araw. Di pa ngayon. Actually halos pareho sila ng idea ni Romans 8:18 – “The pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming.”

YEAREND TOP 20 | 2018

Nakalimutan ko na yung yearly tradition ko hahahaha.

Di na ako ‘in’ sa mga bagong kanta ngayong taon.

Di ba dati di ako mahilig sa OPM, kasi nabibitter ako sa crush ko.

Tapos kinalaunan natutunan ko ring mahalin, kasi nagmamahal na rin ako eh.

Ngayong nasaktan ako, ayan kinamuhian ko na naman ang OPM hahahaha masyado silang mapanakit ng damdamin.

Yung ipapamukha talaga sayo nung mga lyrics na, “Masaya na siya sa iba, kawawa ka naman.” ganern.

Yung kahit saan ako magpunta, puro yun ang pinapatugtog tas shet, ang sakit. Tino-torture ako.

Pag naririnig ko yung Kung Di Rin Lang Ikaw/Sa Ngalan ng Pag-ibig, naririnig ko sa utak ko yung boses niya, inaawit niya to sakin noon.

Pag naririnig ko yung Sana/Kahit Ayaw Mo Na, nakikita ko na naman yung sarili ko nung time na nagmamakaawa ako sa kanya sa 7-11.

Pag naririnig ko yung Mundo, bumabalik sa alaala ko yung magkasama kami sa Rakrakan Fest habang inaawit ang kantang ito.

Pag naririnig ko yung Kathang Isip, naiisip ko kung naiisip niya ba ako habang naririnig niya din yon?

Pag naririnig ko yung Buwan, naaalala ko siya kasi iniisip ko isinasayaw niya yung bago niya sa saliw ng kantang iyon.

Ang drama ko, teka tama na.

To summarize my 2018 in music, puro reputation tsaka Voicenotes lang pinapakinggan ko most of the time.

This year naging fan ako ni Taylor, dahil sa rep. Hindi dahil sa nakakarelate ako sa mga breakup songs and drama shits niya, pero grabe yung epekto sakin nung Getaway Car, pati nung I Did Something Bad at Ready for It, feeling ko ang bitch ko pag kinakanta ko yun hahahahaha.

Tapos ngayon ko lang na-appreciate yung iba niyang kanta/album, nakaka-LSS, tulad ng I Know Places. Ngayon ko lang naramdaman yung sakit ng All Too Well. Pero super favorite ko na talaga noon pa man yung Everything Has Changed tsaka Style.

Teka heto na nga, yung 20 favorite songs ko for this year.





















Kung nakaabot ka man sa part na ito, hahahaha salamat. Ano-ano ang mga paborito mo ngayong taon? I-comment mo na yan. Also, pag may free time ka, check out my Spotify playlists (wow taray!) – https://shairamaec.wordpress.com/spotify/

11. Miss

I don’t miss you when I’m lonely. I don’t miss you at 3AM. I used to deal with my sadness alone. But, I miss you the most during my busiest times and happiest moments.

During these times, all I could think about was telling you. I smiled for awhile, but eventually turns back to sad. I wished you were around for me to share it with.

All that I know is I don’t know how to be something you miss.

I don’t hate you. I just act like I do because it is much easier than to admit that I miss u 🙃

10. Bahay

May nabasa ako na:

Dapat bahay natin ang ating mga sarili. Minsan kaya tayo nawawala kasi yung bahay natin, ibinigay natin sa iba, kahit na meron na sila. Kaya nung umalis sila, dala din nila yung bahay mo. In the end, wala ka nang mauuwian kaya ka nawawala.

Sabi ko noon di ako maghahanap ng malaking kastilyo, ang hahanapin ko yung kasama kong bubuo non. Eh ngayon hindi na natapos yung bahay na yun, walang bubong. Kaya heto ako nauulanan, wala nang masilungan.


The validation you are looking for exists within yourself, yet you are searching for it from other people.

Sabi nga nila, kung nakadepende yung happiness mo sa isang tao, kawawa ka, kasi anytime pwede yung mawala sayo. No one’s presence or absence should disturb your soul. Buo ka na bago pa man siya dumating, so wag mo isipin na siya ang kukumpleto sayo 🙂


Someone posted this:

You’re not in love. You just want someone to treat as your ‘home’ because you’re so tired of being lost, of searching and hoping for things to work out. You want to be somewhere you think you belong. You want to be loved, but darling, that doesn’t mean you’re in love. How long will you keep on lying to yourself?

– This really hit me.


The greatest gift you can give to someone is your time. Because when you give your time, you are giving a portion of your life that you will never get back.

Kaya sana ma-appreciate mo yung mga simpleng bagay, halimbawa pag sinasamahan ka kumain, magbanyo. O kaya yung taong willing makinig sa mga kwento mo. Or yung mas marami siyang importanteng gagawin pero mas pinili ka niyang puntahan, kahit sobrang late na. Kahit wala naman kayong ibang gagawin, pero gusto ka pa ring makita, appreciate it. Sa dami ng excuses ng mga tao ngayon, bihira na lang yung gumagawa ng ganung simpleng effort. Ang mindset kasi ng karamihan, kung magbibigay ka ng oras/atensyon sa ibang tao, syempre yung gusto mo magbebenefit ka din di ba, kaya i-appreciate mo yung mga tao na kahit alam mong wala silang mapapala sayo, still they want to give you a portion of their life aka their time.

7. Yosi

Ala-una ng madaling-araw, habang naglalakad ako papasok ng subdivison namin, pauwi sa bahay, galing trabaho, may nakasabay akong lalaki. Ka-edaran ko lang siguro. Naka-backpack, nakasalamin, naka-earphones, nagyoyosi.

Naalala kita sa kanya, dahil na rin sa amoy ng sigarilyo. Wow. Na-miss ko yun, kahit yun ang papatay sakin. Ay hinde, mas nakamamatay pa rin ang pagmamahal.

Para kang sigarilyo. Nakakaadik. Masama pero masarap sa pakiramdam. Bawat usok na binubuga mo, nilalanghap ko. Sabi nga nila, ‘once you go in, you’ll never get out’.  Kaya nung tinigilan kita, grabe ang withdrawal/side effect. Grabe ka, you’re a hard habit to break.

Darating din yung araw na di ko na hahanap-hanapin pa yung amoy ng sigarilyo  –

24k Magic Tour: Ang Katuparan ng mga Pangarap


Alam naman ata ng lahat na super fan ako ni Bruno ever since. Doo-wops and Hooligans era pa lang, sinusubaybayan ko na siya. Ako pa naman yung tipo na maraming idol, pero eventually nawawala din naman. Pero sa kanya lang talaga ako tumagal hahahaha, na minahal ko lahat ng kanta niya, maski mga unreleased. Yung di ako magsasawa na pakinggan yung mga album niya ng paulit-ulit. Dahil sa kanya naging active ako sa twitter, nagkaroon ng mga kaibigan di lang dito sa Pinas kundi pati mga intl hooligans. Dahil din sa kanya mas naappreciate ko yung iba pang genre (kasi stick lang talaga ako sa American Pop Music nun haha,) So heto na nga, after 8 years!! Finally!! Sa wakas!! Nasaksihan ko na siyang magperform ng live.

DW&H Tour pa lang, gusto ko na siya mapanood. Kaso nag-aaral pa lang ako nun. Di naman kayang suportahan ng pamilya ko yung mga ganun kaya ayan, hanggang Moonshine Jungle Tour, team bahay ako. Isinumpa ko na sa susunod niyang pagbabalik dito sa Pilipinas, I should be there! Buti na lang nung nag-announce na siya ng tour, naka-graduate na ko. Though wala pa akong trabaho nung ticket selling hehe. Salamat sa tita ko!!! Nagrequest ako kung pwede yun na lang graduation gift ko kahit Gen Ad lang, at ayun!! Nung araw ng ticket selling mangiyak-iyak na ko kasi alas onse pa lang, sold out na lahat ng tickets. Alas dos ng hapon nung may mag open na tatlong slot sa Gen Ad, at yun ang nakuha namin! Thank you Lord kasi sa dinami-dami ng pumila para sa ticket, isa ako sa pinagpala na mapagkalooban.

Pero even though na may tix na ko, nagsasasali pa rin ako sa pa-raffle ng mga sponsors. Kahit naiinis ako kasi isa sila sa dahilan kung bakit naubos agad ang tickets, go lang kasi di ba malay mo manalo ako. VIP din yun. Kaso sa pitong sinalihan ko, di ako pinalad haha. Pero nanalo naman ako ng merch, consolation lang.

At heto na, ang mismong araw ng concert!

Nag-half day lang ako sa opisina. Mga 5PM bumiyahe na ako pa-MOA Arena. Inantay ko si Jenina, college friend ko na hooligan din (btw nakilala ko muna siya sa fandom bago ko naging classmate hehe). Pagpasok namin, ikot ikot muna, papicture, etc. Pagdating namin sa mismong arena, ginoosebumps ako (tama ba, basta yung nanindig ang balahibo ko. Una first time ko lang manonood ng legit na concert (kasi puro music festival lang napupuntahan ko). Pangalawa, first time ko talaga makapasok ng MOA Arena haha dati nangangarap lang ako nun sa labas ng MOA, now I’m here!! Pangatlo, ang daming tao as in, na-overwhelm ako kasi ganito na pala ka-famous si kuya mo Bruno. Wow. Wow talaga. Yung dati akala ko konti lang ang fans niya dito sa Pilipinas, madami pala. Di lang talaga kami active sa mga fan-voting at pa-trending sa twitter. Tapos yung market niya, mapa-bata, matanda, lalaki, babae, nakaka-proud. Ang layo na ng narating niya!! Grabe no, ang galing galing niya kasi talaga. Medyo selfish lang ako kasi naisip ko, hala yung iba nakiki-fan lang, tas sila pa yung nasa VIP (lalo na mga artista). Napagkaitan kaming mga legit na hooligan na sumusuporta sa kanya mula pa nung umpisa.

Balik tayo sa mismong concert, nagstart na yung Jabbawockeez, ang galing galing din nila huhu. #Blessed din kasi nakita ko sila magperform live. Then after an hour, tumaas na ang kurtina. Pop pop it’s showtime!!! Sunod-sunod niya nang pinerform yung mga hits niya. Yung feeling na ang saya saya ng environment, pero iyak ka ng iyak hahahaha! Sobrang tuwa ko lang kasi natupad na yung pangarap ko. Yung tipong pwede na ko mamatay kasi nakita ko na si Bruno. Hehe charot lang. So ayun nga, nagsasasayaw at kanta lang ako nung time na yun, parang nasa isang party lang kayong 20,000 na tao dun. Nakatayo lang ako the whole concert. At hinawakan ko lang ulit yung phone ko nung When I Was Your Man kasi yun lang yung pahinga ko sa pagsayaw haha. Di ako nagpicture/video kasi una, sumasayaw ako at tumitili, panget lang yung quality ng magiging kuha ko. Pangalawa, Gen Ad lang ako, malabo si Bruno sa phone ko, pero pramis kahit nasa dulo ako, kitang-kita ko siya ng malinaw. Salamat sa mga mata ko na malinaw pa rin hahahaha. Pangatlo, ayaw na ayaw ni Bruno na lam mo yun, kumakanta ka, sumasayaw ka dapat, pero nagvivideo ka lang the whole time?? Kasi feeling niya di mo naeenjoy yung show niya. Yun nga yung purpose ng tour niya eh, yung mapasaya tayo, magbigay ng entertainment. Tsaka sayang naman na nagbayad ka ng 23k para lang magcameraman? Sulitin mo bayad mo huyyy. Hahahaha.

Grabe pa rin yung goosebumps ko, lalo na nung Calling All My Lovelies (maygahd yun talaga ang pinakafavorite ko sa album niya), dati kilig na kilig ako pag nagpipiano siya, ngayon maa kinikilig na ko pag electric guitar ang gamit niya. Yung umpisang tunog pa lang, nagtititili na ko kasi sa wakas, makikita ko na ng live yung CAML. Sayang nga lang wala si Phil, kulang talaga yung tunog pag wala siya eh. Pero napahanga ako ni Jimmy, kasi dati tumutugtog lang siya, ngayon nagsesecond voice na siya wow. Tsaka si Kam din di ba grabe improvements nila. At sobrang galing talaga ng band!!! Pramis!!! Mas magagaling pa sila sa mga sikat na performers ngayon. Di biro yung tinutugtog mo yung instrument mo, habang sumasayaw (sabay sabay sila non galing talaga), tas nagsesecond voice pa. Matataas pa naman yung mga part na kinakanta nila (yung What the Hell!!) o yun na nga balik tayo sa CAML, di ko inasahan yung pagtatagalog ni Bruno. Kumakanta na ko nun ng “I’d rather be with youuu, yeah” Nung biglang nagsalita at kinanta niya, “Miss na kita mahal” shet shet shet kahit slang siya kinilig ako. First time niya lang ata gumamit ng endearment na “mahal” kasi baby talaga tawag niya sakin eh charot. Ang sweet kaya, mahal OMG miss na din kita mahal!!
Ang haba na ng kwento ko no hahahaha basta ayun, kahit ilang beses ko nang napapanood mga performance niya at tours sa ibang bansa, parang first time feels pa rin na makita ko iperform niya dito yung mga kanta niya.

(Calling All My Lovelies live version.. this is what I’m talkin’ about haha!)


Ang downside lang eh una, bitin na bitin ako mamsh, parang ang bilis nung mga pangyayari haha hala tapos na agad? I need more of Bruno. Pero wala eh ganun talaga. Yun nga mas better pa rin MJT dahil din siguro mas marami yung interaction niya with the fans. Tas inaabangan ko yung Grenade, Gorilla, Straight Up and Down. Bakit wala? Yung Too Good to Say Goodbye din fave ko kaso di niya na pineperform yun.

At narealize ko lang din, pagod na pagod na si Bruno. Pero di mo yun makikita sa kanya kasi parang bibong bata siya sa stage eh hataw pa rin ng hataw, tas nabirit pa, ibang klase talaga ang energy niya. Pero kasi isang araw lang yung pagitan ng mga concert niya sa ibat ibang bansa. May 1 sa Thailand. May 3 and 4 Pilipinas. May 6 and 7 Hongkong. See? Isang taon na din siyang nasa tour. After neto balik America ulit ang tour. Yung feeling na gusto mo na siya pagpahingahin, kaso mamimiss mo siya kasi magiging inactive na naman siya sa industry, ilang buwan na namang walang balita sa kanya.

After ng tour, di natin alam kung kailan ulit siya maglalabas ng bagong album. Mahaba-haba na naman ang break niya. Nagjoke nga siya eh sabi 10 years daw siya pahinga. Kaya yung moment na yun nung concert, ninanamnam ko na. Kasi di ko alam kung kailan ulit ang susunod.

Grabe no, parang sa iba normal na lang na makanood ng concert. Pero sakin malaking bagay na to haha kasi tagal ko talaga hinangad yung ganitong pagkakataon. Lol kaya ganyan title ng post ko. May na-check-an na sa bucket list ko sa wakas! Yung feeling na, after all the hardwork I’ve done throughout my life, okay lang kahit yun lang yung sukli hahahaha. Finally! I’m proud that I stan someone who is very talented!!!

Ang haba na ng hanash ko haha, pero thank you talaga Bruno, for being my happy pill 😍 miss na kita mahal. Hahahaha.


Di ko kuha yan. Galing sa SMART yan haha
Yan yung view mula sa pwesto ko
During When I Was Your Man
Happy Kiddo!!




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