Protected: 14. All too well


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13. Mosaic


When I met you, I knew in some way, you would hold significance to my life. I knew you were going to be a constant. I knew you would change me.
Yes, we had our disagreements, but we always made our way back to each other. I always felt you in my heart, there’s nothing you could do to make me that upset for long. I already needed you.

You have issues. Internal struggles with yourself, external issues with your family and others around you and it weighs you down. But the struggles you faced made it impossible for you to love me the way you wanted to, the way I needed you to. Still, for a year I held on, praying you would stay with me, praying you would get better. Through all the fights, the petty disagreements, I stayed.

I loved you without restrictions and caution. I knew you could be better. I wanted to see that happen for you. I wanted to help you get to where you should be. I believed in you. I would do, anything for you.
My expectations and whatever other struggles you faced were too much for you, and the pressure you put on yourself suffocated you. Your eyes began to wander. You wanted something easier, someone who wouldn’t push you to be better.

You found what you were looking for, right after you actually ended it with me, which still hurts me more than you could ever know.
Fast forward a few months from the day you told me someone else had more to offer, you tell everyone that you’re happy. You’ve come in and out of my life so frequently, breaking bits and pieces of me more and more every time. You tell me you’re happy.

As I watched it happen, I felt pieces of myself, my soul, disintegrate and disappear. I grew colder, I put a wall up around myself. Letting myself feel soft for you only hurt me worse.

I didn’t want to move on from you. I hoped that you would come back and sweep me up and make things better. But eventually, I have to move on. I have to heal myself. I have to fix what you shattered. It didn’t come easily, and nearly everyday is a struggle… but I have to.

I knew that the love you had to give me had already run out and it hurts. I remember feeling as though I was the person you cared most about in this world. I remember feeling so lost as to where I stood with you. Realizing you had fallen out of love with me is one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had.

But at the same time, it thrills me that I’ve experienced someone – because you were an experience, not just a person to be met – that has made such an impact on me. I think I’m having one of those lucky days. Although, it might just be me missing you yet again.

Sometimes, I wonder what kind of direction my life would’ve taken if I had never met you. I can’t decide if it would be better or worse, and that’s what scares me most about all of this. I still can’t decide if I actually wish I had never met you. I think there’s a part of me, no matter how badly we hurt each other, that will always be so grateful to have had the chance to know you. For as much as you broke me, you made me whole in different ways.

I’m glad you were what broke me, so I can be better. I was given the chance to become that much more whole. I got to see the risks in which you can love someone, the ways in which love can change you. You were a beautiful destroyer, but the beauty doesn’t have a hold on me anymore. For all that you got from me, for all of the ways you ruined me, and the ways you so hurt me, I have to learn from them.

Maybe our love’s purpose was designed to break, after all. We were meant to be a love that ruined and wrecked, that will lead us to grow and change, though we fought it every step of the way. Our love went with pain. It is the greatest teacher, as it instructs us what not to do in the future, so as to avoid that harsh experience in another, similar instance.

Even though it hurts, I will still keep those memories. They break me, but that pain of remembering it both hurts and heals. If you’ve taught me anything, it’s that loving you was both my destruction, and my salvation. You might have broken me into pieces, and you may have destroyed a part of who I used to be. In all the times that you left me shattered by myself, I made a mosaic of our broken memories. This mosaic of love and hatred is how I love you now.

Protected: 12. Wasak


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Tatlong Daan


Uy di ko napansin, 300+ na ang mga posts ko sa wordpress.
Ganun na pala karami yung mga hanash ko ano.
Medyo matagal-tagal na rin ako sa industriyang ito, di nga lang masyadong active ngayon.
Actually, kung di ako nagbubura nung mga iba kong posts noon, baka lagpas na ito sa 300 na bilang ko ngayon.
Kaya ako nagba-blog eh kasi para na tong diary, dito ako nagvevent out ng mga bagay na hindi ko masabi verbally, sa hindi matukoy na dahilan (ewan, bahagi na ata eto ng pagkatao ko.)
Sa mga nagsasabi na iba ang sinasabi ko dito sa ipinapakita ko sa totoong buhay, well ang masasabi ko lang ay, ewan ko kung bakit ganito ako, pero sana maintindihan nyo ko!! 😭😭
Tulad nga nung sinabi ko dati, sa sobrang dami na ng posts ko, sana balang araw may magcompile neto at gawing libro, well sana kung merong magka-interes. Sino nga bang natutuwa sa mga sinusulat ko?
Puro rants at kalandian lang naman.
Iisang tao lang naman yung alam kong matiyagang nagbasa neto, ewan ko kung hanggang ngayon ginagawa niya pa rin, pero karamihan ng nakasulat dito ngayon dedicated na sa kanya, sana pati ito mabasa niya hehe. Thank you, sa pagdaan mo sa buhay ko hahahahaha salamat kasi dahil sayo may maita-topic pa rin ako hanggang sa mga susunod pang taon.
Teka bakit siya na naman ang topic ko? Wait lang.
Pero ayun nga, salamat sa lahat ng mga nagbabasa ng mga sinusulat ko, kahit wala tong ka-kwenta kwenta.
Sabi nila, “Wala kang makuda in real life pero bat ma-laman yung blog mo?”
Ewan ko ngaaa.
Pero may mga nagsabi din na natutuwa sila kasi nakakarelate sila sa sitwasyon ko, sa mga pinagdaanan ko.
Meron namang mga natutuwa kasi trip lang talaga akong pagtawanan hahahaha (Di ba, PJ? I see u)
Meron din namang hindi natutuwa, kasi bina-backstab ko na sila (Pero di naman, or nagagawa ko ba talaga yon unintentionally? Tell me.)
Meron din namang hindi natutuwa kasi puro na lang daw ako drama, marami nang nauumay haha alam ko. Tas bakit daw pino-post ko pa online? Bat di ko na lang daw sarilihin? O i-share sa kaibigan? Ang immature ko pa rin daw hahahaha. Again, as I said, ewan ko, but this is how I act towards certain things.
Kung may mga nasabi man ako dito sa blog na to na hindi maganda about sayo, or kung na-offend man kita, sabihan mo ko, please, i-PM mo ako. Inaamin ko madalas insensitive talaga ako, kung ano yung maisip ko diretso ko na ita-type. Pasensya na.
Salamat talaga ha, sa pagbabasa ng blog na ito. Dati nangangamba ako kasi alam kong isang araw hihinto din ako dito. Pero sana umabot pa to ng 400, 500, posts, and so on. Yung makikita pa ng future descendants ko yung mga post ko. Kailangan ko lang talaga mag-isip ng magandang content. Ang boring kasi ng buhay ko eh, wala man lang ka-hobby hobby, wala nang interests, walang masyadong ganap para mai-topic sa mga susunod na posts. Ikaw ba, sa tingin mo, ano pa ang pwede kong maisulat? Bukod sa mga pangyayaring kathang isip ko lang? Ano pa bang pwede kong gawing matino sa buhay hahahahaha!
Na-realize ko lang din, dapat pala ma-inspire ko rin kayo sa mga sinusulat ko ano, kaso paano? Kung ako mismo ang negative ng tingin ko sa sarili ko. Ayyy. Ewan ko.
Pero, salamat ulit ha!

YEAREND TOP 20 | 2018


Nakalimutan ko na yung yearly tradition ko hahahaha.

Di na ako ‘in’ sa mga bagong kanta ngayong taon.

Di ba dati di ako mahilig sa OPM, kasi nabibitter ako sa crush ko.

Tapos kinalaunan natutunan ko ring mahalin, kasi nagmamahal na rin ako eh.

Ngayong nasaktan ako, ayan kinamuhian ko na naman ang OPM hahahaha masyado silang mapanakit ng damdamin.

Yung ipapamukha talaga sayo nung mga lyrics na, “Masaya na siya sa iba, kawawa ka naman.” ganern.

Yung kahit saan ako magpunta, puro yun ang pinapatugtog tas shet, ang sakit. Tino-torture ako.

Pag naririnig ko yung Kung Di Rin Lang Ikaw/Sa Ngalan ng Pag-ibig, naririnig ko sa utak ko yung boses niya, inaawit niya to sakin noon.

Pag naririnig ko yung Sana/Kahit Ayaw Mo Na, nakikita ko na naman yung sarili ko nung time na nagmamakaawa ako sa kanya sa 7-11.

Pag naririnig ko yung Mundo, bumabalik sa alaala ko yung magkasama kami sa Rakrakan Fest habang inaawit ang kantang ito.

Pag naririnig ko yung Kathang Isip, naiisip ko kung naiisip niya ba ako habang naririnig niya din yon?

Pag naririnig ko yung Buwan, naaalala ko siya kasi iniisip ko isinasayaw niya yung bago niya sa saliw ng kantang iyon.

Ang drama ko, teka tama na.

To summarize my 2018 in music, puro reputation tsaka Voicenotes lang pinapakinggan ko most of the time.

This year naging fan ako ni Taylor, dahil sa rep. Hindi dahil sa nakakarelate ako sa mga breakup songs and drama shits niya, pero grabe yung epekto sakin nung Getaway Car, pati nung I Did Something Bad at Ready for It, feeling ko ang bitch ko pag kinakanta ko yun hahahahaha.

Tapos ngayon ko lang na-appreciate yung iba niyang kanta/album, nakaka-LSS, tulad ng I Know Places. Ngayon ko lang naramdaman yung sakit ng All Too Well. Pero super favorite ko na talaga noon pa man yung Everything Has Changed tsaka Style.

Teka heto na nga, yung 20 favorite songs ko for this year.

ELECTRICITY – SILK CITY, DUA LIPA, DIPLO, MARK RONSON

RISE – JONAS BLUE, JACK AND JACK

WAKE UP IN THE SKY – GUCCI MANE, BRUNO MARS, KODAK BLACK

BITCH LASAGNA – PEWDIEPIE

I’M A MESS – BEBE REXHA

HAIR TOO LONG – THE VAMPS

TASTE – TYGA

SUPPLIES – JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

ALL THE STARS – KENDRICK LAMAR, SZA

SAY SOMETHING – JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, CHRIS STAPLETON

YOUNGBLOOD – 5 SECONDS OF SUMMER

I LIKE IT – CARDI B, BAD BUNNY, J BALVIN

DANCING WITH OUR HANDS TIED – TAYLOR SWIFT

MAD LOVE – SEAN PAUL, DAVID GUETTA, BECKY G

TAKI TAKI – DJ SNAKE FT. SELENA GOMEZ, OZUNA, CARDI B

I DID SOMETHING BAD – TAYLOR SWIFT

DONE FOR ME – CHARLIE PUTH, KEHLANI

FINESSE (REMIX) – BRUNO MARS, CARDI B

I’LL NEVER LOVE AGAIN – LADY GAGA, BRADLEY COOPER

GETAWAY CAR – TAYLOR SWIFT

Kung nakaabot ka man sa part na ito, hahahaha salamat. Ano-ano ang mga paborito mo ngayong taon? I-comment mo na yan. Also, pag may free time ka, check out my Spotify playlists (wow taray!) – https://shairamaec.wordpress.com/spotify/

11. Miss


I don’t miss you when I’m lonely. I don’t miss you at 3AM. I used to deal with my sadness alone. But, I miss you the most during my busiest times and happiest moments.

During these times, all I could think about was telling you. I smiled for awhile, but eventually turns back to sad. I wished you were around for me to share it with.

All that I know is I don’t know how to be something you miss.

I don’t hate you. I just act like I do because it is much easier than to admit that I miss u 🙃

10. Bahay


May nabasa ako na:

Dapat bahay natin ang ating mga sarili. Minsan kaya tayo nawawala kasi yung bahay natin, ibinigay natin sa iba, kahit na meron na sila. Kaya nung umalis sila, dala din nila yung bahay mo. In the end, wala ka nang mauuwian kaya ka nawawala.

Sabi ko noon di ako maghahanap ng malaking kastilyo, ang hahanapin ko yung kasama kong bubuo non. Eh ngayon hindi na natapos yung bahay na yun, walang bubong. Kaya heto ako nauulanan, wala nang masilungan.

9.


The validation you are looking for exists within yourself, yet you are searching for it from other people.

Sabi nga nila, kung nakadepende yung happiness mo sa isang tao, kawawa ka, kasi anytime pwede yung mawala sayo. No one’s presence or absence should disturb your soul. Buo ka na bago pa man siya dumating, so wag mo isipin na siya ang kukumpleto sayo 🙂

8.


Someone posted this:

You’re not in love. You just want someone to treat as your ‘home’ because you’re so tired of being lost, of searching and hoping for things to work out. You want to be somewhere you think you belong. You want to be loved, but darling, that doesn’t mean you’re in love. How long will you keep on lying to yourself?

– This really hit me.

Protected: To my silver lining


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Happy Ending


Naalala mo ba dati, nung mga unang taon ko sa blog, kinukuwento ko lagi si Jun Pyo? Yung classmate ko nung high school na naging crush ko ng sobrang tagal haha. Huli kaming nagkita after ng graduation nung high school.

Then heto, after 6 years, nagkita ulit kami 😊

Ganito kasi yon. Kahapon lang nagchat siya sakin, na gusto niya ako dalawin sa work hahahaha. Bakit? Bakit? Bakit bigla niya akong naalala? Ang tagal na naming di nag-uusap. Out of the blue magsasabi siya ng ganun. Ano, may ulterior motive ka rin ba? May kailangan ka na naman ba sakin? So syempre ako di ako makakalma. Pero di na tulad ng dati na may mga paru paro ako sa tiyan.

Eto na. Kinabukasan, ang aga niya dumating sa office, nahihiya ako haha kasi ako wala pa dun. 30 minutes din siya nag-antay sa ministop. Pero sabi ko sa kanya, lipat siya ng lugar, wag siya dun maghintay, hindi ko na pinupuntahan yung lugar na yon (marami akong memories doon), then 10AM nakababa na din ako. Grabe, ang laki ng itinaba niya, tas siya naman nagulat sakin kasi ang laki ng ipinayat ko. Ano na daw ang nangyayari sakin. Sabi niya sumama daw ako lagi sa kanya para magkakakain ako ng marami. So buong araw wala nga kami ibang ginawa kundi kumain ng kumain. Ang takaw niya.

Tas nagkuwentuhan lang kami about sa work niya, work ko, etc. Lahat ng assumptions ko sa kinahinatnan ng buhay niya, confirmed!! Naalala mo nung time na pag may bago siyang post or may naka-tag sa kanya, malalaman ko agad tas maghihinuha ako kung ano na ang ganap niya sa buhay, tapos ipopost ko dito sa blog? Tumpak mumsh!!

So pagkagraduate namin ng high school, nagcollege siya, di siya tumuloy ng engineering (na dapat yun din ang kukunin ko, well dahil sa kanya, pero buti na lang di ko talaga tinuloy), IT ang naging course niya. Pagkagraduate niya, nagkaroon siya ng iba’t ibang trabaho, sa MOA, sa Aklan, sa Palawan, puro food business ang napasukan niya. Hanggang sa naging cabin crew siya sa isang airline company, then ngayon nasa Makati na siya nagwowork, restaurant ulit. Ngayon, gusto niya mag-apply dito sa company namin. Sabi ko sige irerefer ko siya. Pa-resign na ko eh haha tas sabi niya wag daw muna, para magkasama pa kami ng matagal. Sabi ko pag-iisipan ko pa.

Then nagkwento siya ng about sa love life niya. Confirmed. Nagka-girlfriend siya, at nagka-boyfriend din. Ngayon, may dine-date siya na lalaki. Sabi ko wow, mas makulay pa nga ang lovelife niya kesa sakin.

Dati nung mga panahong gusto ko pa siya, asang asa talaga ako na sana magkita ulit kami balang araw at magkaroon ng part 2 ang kwento namin (na sana magustuhan niya na ako.) Pero ngayon, I don’t feel any love/desire at all. Nung nagkita kami ang saya, di kilig yung nararamdaman ko ah, pero yung feeling na mameet ulit ang old friend? Ganern. Di pa rin siya nagbabago, makulit pa din, lagi ako chinicheer up pag malungkot ako. Namiss niya raw ako asarin hahahaha.

So I guess, dito na talaga magtatapos ang walong taon kong kakaasa sa kanya. Finally!! Closure! Acceptance – na hindi talaga kami para sa isa’t isa hahahahaha. Salamat sa pagpapakilig sakin noon haha sana maging successful ang bagong love life mo ngayon. Ako? HAHA di na ko maiinlove ulit at magpapauto bahala kayo dyan.

Heto ang happy ending ni Jun Pyo at Jan Di ❤

7. Yosi


Ala-una ng madaling-araw, habang naglalakad ako papasok ng subdivison namin, pauwi sa bahay, galing trabaho, may nakasabay akong lalaki. Ka-edaran ko lang siguro. Naka-backpack, nakasalamin, naka-earphones, nagyoyosi.

Naalala kita sa kanya, dahil na rin sa amoy ng sigarilyo. Wow. Na-miss ko yun, kahit yun ang papatay sakin. Ay hinde, mas nakamamatay pa rin ang pagmamahal.

Para kang sigarilyo. Nakakaadik. Masama pero masarap sa pakiramdam. Bawat usok na binubuga mo, nilalanghap ko. Sabi nga nila, ‘once you go in, you’ll never get out’.  Kaya nung tinigilan kita, grabe ang withdrawal/side effect. Grabe ka, you’re a hard habit to break.

Darating din yung araw na di ko na hahanap-hanapin pa yung amoy ng sigarilyo  –