15. Sun


“She was the sun. But it was too much for him. To save himself from melting, he had to leave. But what he doesn’t know was that – he was the reason why she was too bright. That’s why when he left, she lost her spark.”

To burn for someone is to melt in the process.

“She was the sunrise. Unfortunately, he loves the sunset.”

(Artwork from The Forbidden Love Story by Gabriel Picolo)

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6. Mosaic


When I met you, I knew in some way, you would hold significance to my life. I knew you were going to be a constant. I knew you would change me.
Yes, we had our disagreements, but we always made our way back to each other. I always felt you in my heart, there’s nothing you could do to make me that upset for long. I already needed you.

You have issues. Internal struggles with yourself, external issues with your family and others around you and it weighs you down. But the struggles you faced made it impossible for you to love me the way you wanted to, the way I needed you to. Still, for a year I held on, praying you would stay with me, praying you would get better. Through all the fights, the petty disagreements, I stayed.

I loved you without restrictions and caution. I knew you could be better. I wanted to see that happen for you. I wanted to help you get to where you should be. I believed in you. I would do, anything for you.
My expectations and whatever other struggles you faced were too much for you, and the pressure you put on yourself suffocated you. Your eyes began to wander. You wanted something easier, someone who wouldn’t push you to be better.

You found what you were looking for, right after you actually ended it with me, which still hurts me more than you could ever know.
Fast forward a few months from the day you told me someone else had more to offer, you tell everyone that you’re happy. You’ve come in and out of my life so frequently, breaking bits and pieces of me more and more every time. You tell me you’re happy.

As I watched it happen, I felt pieces of myself, my soul, disintegrate and disappear. I grew colder, I put a wall up around myself. Letting myself feel soft for you only hurt me worse.

I didn’t want to move on from you. I hoped that you would come back and sweep me up and make things better. But eventually, I have to move on. I have to heal myself. I have to fix what you shattered. It didn’t come easily, and nearly everyday is a struggle… but I have to.

I knew that the love you had to give me had already run out and it hurts. I remember feeling as though I was the person you cared most about in this world. I remember feeling so lost as to where I stood with you. Realizing you had fallen out of love with me is one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had.

But at the same time, it thrills me that I’ve experienced someone – because you were an experience, not just a person to be met – that has made such an impact on me. I think I’m having one of those lucky days. Although, it might just be me missing you yet again.

Sometimes, I wonder what kind of direction my life would’ve taken if I had never met you. I can’t decide if it would be better or worse, and that’s what scares me most about all of this. I still can’t decide if I actually wish I had never met you. I think there’s a part of me, no matter how badly we hurt each other, that will always be so grateful to have had the chance to know you. For as much as you broke me, you made me whole in different ways.

I’m glad you were what broke me, so I can be better. I was given the chance to become that much more whole. I got to see the risks in which you can love someone, the ways in which love can change you. You were a beautiful destroyer, but the beauty doesn’t have a hold on me anymore. For all that you got from me, for all of the ways you ruined me, and the ways you so hurt me, I have to learn from them.

Maybe our love’s purpose was designed to break, after all. We were meant to be a love that ruined and wrecked, that will lead us to grow and change, though we fought it every step of the way. Our love went with pain. It is the greatest teacher, as it instructs us what not to do in the future, so as to avoid that harsh experience in another, similar instance.

Even though it hurts, I will still keep those memories. They break me, but that pain of remembering it both hurts and heals. If you’ve taught me anything, it’s that loving you was both my destruction, and my salvation. You might have broken me into pieces, and you may have destroyed a part of who I used to be. In all the times that you left me shattered by myself, I made a mosaic of our broken memories. This mosaic of love and hatred is how I love you now.

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Career


Ang plano ko lang talaga, isang taon lang ako mag-stay sa current work ko. Then after nun maghahanap na ulit ako ng panibagong trabaho. Masaya sa office namin pramis, nakikita mo naman sa mga posts/tweets ko. Kaso nga lang yung sahod talaga ang problema eh. Di kayang bumuhay ng pamilya. Uuwi na yung tita ko next year, kaya ako na ang bubuhay sa pamilya namin. Kahit love na love ko ang work ko eh kailangan ko maghanap ng mas magandang opportunity.

Eh kaso heto, pahirapan na naman. Maghahanash na naman ako na, “Bagsak ako sa interview eh”, “Ayy di ako qualified sa position na to”. Ang hirap maghanap ng bagong trabaho pramis. Feeling ko wala na namang tatanggap sakin. Babagsak na naman ako sa initial interview pa lang.

Nung October, nag-apply ako sa BJMP, bilang Jail Officer. Bakit? Una, mataas ang sahod hahahaha. Pangalawa, para magkaroon ng thrill ang buhay ko. Baka pag nakapasa ako dito, maging matino na ako, physically, mentally, emotionally. Tsaka baka makapagmoveon ako ng mas mabilis kung mag-iiba ng bongga ang environment ko. Eh di ayun na nga nagpasa ako ng requirements. Kaso after medical na.. Di ko na tinuloy pa. Bakit?? Eh kasi narealize ko, pag nakapasok na ako sa mundong iyon, mahihirapan na akong makalabas. Part ng freedom ko ang mawawala – sa time. Halimbawa, pag may concert si ganito, tas nasakto eh nasa BJMP na ko. Di ko na maeenjoy yung mga ganung leisure time. Kaya sabi ko, sige wag na, ibang career na lang.

May inapplyan din pala ako for CSR, sa isang online gaming company, sa Ortigas, pasado na ko ng initial, kaso di na ko tumuloy nung final, kasi yung company at nature of work, related sa ex ko hahahahaha eh di pa ako ok nung time na yun, kaya binitiwan ko rin.

Tapos nag-apply na ko sa workabroad.ph, na-interview ako sa dalawang agency, yung isa sa Malaysia. Yung isa naman sa Dubai. Kaso di pa rin pala ako qualified. Haha handang-handa pa naman na ako na mag-abroad, kahit ayaw akong payagan ni tita ko. Bahala na.

Hanggang ngayon nagpapasa pa rin ako ng resume ko sa mga agency. Sana naman palarin na ako this year. I need to step up my game. Di ba nga sabi ko sa last post ko, yung bagong career na yung last step ko para makapag move on.

Pero tingin mo, kaya ko na ba? Iniisip ko, pano kung nasa ibang bansa na ako, tas magbreakdown na naman ako? Pano kung andun na ako, tas nasasaktan pa rin ako? Ang hirap ata, ako lang mag-isa doon, wala akong iiyakan. Dapat talaga iwanan ko na yung emotional baggage ko dito, pagdating ko doon dapat emotionally stable na ko, charot.

So ayun, baka naman pwede nyo ko irefer sa mga agency, kahit tagapag-alaga lang ng baka, tatanggapin ko πŸ™‚

The Handwriting Challenge!


Nakita ko lang kay http://zeezeewithbooks.wordpress.com to. Haha.

73 Questions (kunwari Vogue)


– What is one fear you would want to overcome?

Yung social anxiety ko, yung sana di na ako matatakot sumagot ng telepono, makipag-interact sa mga taong di ko kilala. Makipag-usap sa future in-laws. hehe.

– What’s something about yourself that you hope will change, but probably never will?

Yung pakikipagsocialize ko haha sana mas makuda na ako, tsaka sa magiging jowa ko na sana maging sweet at clingy na ako, HAHA, never will. 😝

– What is the best piece of advice that you have ever received?

“May your heart remain breakable, but never by the same hand twice.”

– What is the nicest thing someone has done for you?

Yung mahalin ako kahit ganito ako HAHAHAHAHA ayieee, de charot. Siguro nung time na may nag-effort sakin na ilaan yung araw niya para lang maka-bonding ako haha sabi sayo TIME lang ang kailangan ko eh

– What is the scariest thing you have ever done?

Nakikipag-meet-up ako sa mga taong nakilala ko lang sa chat. Well, di pa ako napapahamak, let’s see.

– What is the craziest thing you have ever done?

Craziest thing na ba yung pumupunta pa rin ako hanggang ngayon sa bahay/office ng ex ko nang hindi niya alam? Haha.

– What is the most difficult thing you have ever done?

Magparty at mag-inom ng gabi tas diretso pasok kinabukasan, walang tulog.

– What is one event in your past that has made you who you are?

Nung natanggap ako dito sa first job ko, dito nag-umpisa yung pag-step up ko eh!

– What have you done in the last year that makes you proud?

Yung nakakapagbigay na ko sa tita ko, yung may naipundar na ako, kasi sa wakas di ba, lahat ng pinaghirapan namin heto na, unti-unti nang bumabalik samin

– What is the biggest change you have made in your life the past year?

Hindi na ako umiinom ng kape, at napapangitan na ako sa lasa ng alak. Ewan ko. Basta ang daming nagbago sakin nung 2018.

– What is something new you’ve learned recently?

Maglaro ng PUBG at ML!!!!!

– What is the most frustrating thing that has happened to you recently?

Yung di ako pumapasa sa mga inaapplyan ko haha lagi na lang, walang progress. Kung paano ako dati nung wala pa akong work, ganun pa rin ako hanggang ngayon, natataranta pag iniinterview.

– What is the first thing you notice about people?

Kung totoo yung kinukuwento nila o nagsisinungaling lang. Grabe ang lala na ng trust issues ko haha pansin ko agad kung totoo o hindi. Ewan ko bakit kailangan pa magsinungaling sakin? Wala naman akong pake kung meron ka o wala ng ganitong bagay? Bakit kailangan pang magmayabang? Bat ganun?

– What do you value most in other people?

Honesty. Tsaka time, basta paglaanan mo lang ako ng panahon at ‘undivided attention’, ok na ko mumsh.

– What small act of kindness was done to you that you will never forget?

Pag pinagbubuksan ako ng pintuan, haha seryoso. Tsaka nung nagbibigay siya sakin ng notes nung mga panahon na nawawalan na ako ng gana sa lahat.

– What stresses you out more than anything?

Yung social anxiety ko. Tsaka pag iniisip ko kung makakahanap pa ba ako ng bagong trabaho. Tsaka pag paubos na yung pera ko, nakakastress.

– What would you say the happiest day of your life was?

May 3, 2018 ☺

– What is something about yourself that you hope will never change?

Sana mahaba pa rin ang pasensya ko. Yun lang.

– What is the one question that you wish you knew the answer to?

Ano bang meron sila na wala ako? Ano bang meron ako na wala sila? Bakit lagi na lang ako pinagkakaitan? Ay wait, tatlo na pala yang tanong ko haha.

– What aspect of yourself are you most insecure about?

Physical appearance hahahahaha wala eh ganun talaga

– What is your biggest character flaw?

Panget ako. De, bukod dun, siguro yung hirapa kong i-express yung emotions ko, di ako nagsasabi/nagsasalita pag may something na mali, kumbaga kinikimkim ko lang lahat sa sarili ko. Kaya heto nasasabihan ako na “nasa loob ang kulo”.

– What is something that you did growing up that your parents never found out about?

Yung nagba-blog ako?

– What is the most valuable thing you own?

Bukod sa phone ko, yung mga notes na nakatago sakin.

– What is the first family trip that you can remember?

Hindi mahilig bumiyahe yung mga kamag-anak ko, kaya wala akong kahit anong trip na mareremember, pero ang naalala ko lang eh yung huling beses na umuwi kami ng Bicol, tas pag tuwing gabi nagtatakbuhan kami kasi may mga aswang

– What is one thing you thought you would never give up but did?

IKAW. Ayy wait bagay ka ba? Hanggang ngayon di pa rin ba ako nag-give up?

– What is one event in history you wish you could have witnessed?

Martial Law. Ewan. Baka mas maintindihan ko kung bakit ganun ang kinahinatnan ng lahat.

– What character from film, television, or literature do you most identify with?

Yung mga zombie dun sa Night of the Living Dead hahahahaha

– What website do you visit the most? Why?

Twitter. Ewan ko, basta mas gusto ko yon kesa sa Facebook.

– What is something you pretend to understand but really don’t?

Kapag about movies yung pinag-uusapan nila, di ako maka-relate eh.

– What’s one thing you don’t think you’ll ever be able to do?

Mag send ng nudes sa taong may jowa na ha ha ha ha opx.

– What’s the best gift you’ve ever received?

Pagmamahal haha charot. De, wala pa ring tatalo sa singsing πŸ™ƒ

– What is the best gift you have ever given?

Choco Butternut Donut β™₯

– What is the hardest part of your daily routine?

Waking up, yung pagligo sa umaga jusko. Tsaka pagbiyahe.

– In your daily routine, what brings you the most joy?

Pag bumibiyahe din actually, kasi nagsa-soundtrip lang ako nun tas kunwari mag-eemote, masarap sa feeling, tsaka yung nakakarating ako sa kung saan-saan. At masaya ako pag bagong sahod tas magsha-shopping ako hahahaha.

– What’s the best part of waking up?

Wala, kasi dun ko nararamdaman lahat ng mga anxieties ko sa buhay.

– Are you more afraid of missing an opportunity or making a mistake?

Making a mistake, kahit paulit ulit akong nagkakamali natatakot pa rin ako haha, pag pinapalagpas ko naman ang opportunity ok lang kasi alam ko namang meron pa next time.

– Have you experienced something that happened to you that you have no explanation for?

Oo. At di ko pa rin siya kayang i-explain how and why did it happened.

– In what way do you practically show your love to friends and family?

Alam naman ninyong lahat na kuripot ako, so kapag halimbawa binilhan kita ng pabango HAHA. Basta, pag inuna kitang bilhan bago ang sarili ko, ibig sabihin nun special ka sakin

– When you think of ‘home’, what comes to mind?

Yesss, makakapagsoundtrip ako ng malakas at kakanta lang ako ng kakanta. HAHA.

– When faced with conflict, do you confront, compromise or flee?

Flee, duwag ako eh.

– When you hear the sound of ringing bells, what do you associate that sound with?

Bell before communion.

– Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?

Sa Japan

– Who has been the kindest person to you in life?

Si CJ

– Who is your favorite actor or musician?

Bruno Mars pa rin, hihi.

– What is the number one album on your phone?

reputation !!

– What are your favorite song lyrics?

“You and I walk a fragile line. I have known it all this time but I never thought I’d live to see it break.”

– What song in your music library gets the most plays?

Getaway Car – Taylor Swift

– If you could save three memories from your life forever, what would they be?

First is nung nagba-ballroom dancing kami nung high school. Ewan ko kung bakit basta ang saya saya ko nung time na yun. Pangalawa, memories ko with my parents, kasi wala na akong maalalang kahit ano mula sa kanila, sorry. Pangatlo, nung nakita ko si Bruno Mars ng live!!

– If you had a day all to yourself, where would you go and what would you do?

Gusto ko makapunta ng music festival, tapos nandun lahat ng fave kong performers, aaaaa that will be the best!!

– If you could have any job for a day, what would it be?

Part ng production team, ng 24k Magic Tour/reputation Tour.

– If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would do?

Bibilhin ko agad yung pagmamahal niya. Charot. Mag-aaply nako agad ng VISA hahahahaha bye guys

– If money were no concern, what country/region would you visit?

Japan

– If you could travel back in time, what year and place would you choose?

Grade 5, 2007? Sa school ko nung elementary, dun nag-umpisa yung pagka-fucked up ko sa buhay hahahaha

– If you could go back in time and prevent one thing from happening, what would you choose?

Could I prevent my parents’ death?

– If you could be fluent in another language, which one would you choose?

English para naman makapag-apply na ako sa BPO, haha.

– If you had to evacuate your home, what would you take with you?

Yung mga inipon kong papel since elementary, may sentimental value sakin yong mga yon kaya hanggang ngayon nakatago pa rin.

– If you died tomorrow, what is one thing you would miss the most?

Ano nga bang mami-miss ko. Ewan ko. Parang wala na yata. Kasi makakalimutan din naman nila ako eventually.

– If you knew your next meal was going to be your last, what would you eat?

Spaghetti pa rin

– If you could ask any President one question, what would it be?

To Duterte, ANONG TRIP MO?!

– If you could meet anyone in history, who would it be?

Marcos naman, tapos itatanong ko rin kung anong trip niya.

– Is it better to ‘have loved and lost’ or to ‘never have loved at all’?

Never have loved at all. Ang sakit pa rin maiwanan eh.

– Why do people enjoy movies with good endings?

Kasi dun lang nafu-fulfill yung mga bagay na imposibleng mangyari sa realidad.

– Is it ever right to do the wrong thing?

Kahit naman hindi tama gagawin nyo pa rin ang mali. Bahala kayo dyan.

– How do you determine if something is right or wrong?

Ang hirap naman ng sagot dito haha, nasa pagdadala mo kasi yan eh, kung ok yung outcome, e di tama. Pero kung may naabala/nasaktan kang iba, e di mali. Tsaka iba iba ng point of view yan, yung pwedeng tama sayo, mali na pala sa kanya. Kaya kayo naghiwalay eh hahahahaha

– How would others have described you as a child?

Tamad sa gawaing bahay. Hahahaha

– What is the top thing you want to accomplish in life?

Gusto ko yung kada buwan bumibiyahe ako pa-ibang bansa. Yun lang.

– What is one thing on your bucket list?

Makapunta ng Japan.

– How do you want to be remembered?

Eto yung sinabi ko sa previous post ko, na pag namatay ako, makakalimutan din naman nila ako eventually, pero kung may makaalala sakin, sana hindi ako maalala as tatanga-tanga, or parang anino lang yan na di naman napapansin at walang emosyon, sana maalala nila yung weird side ko, na ako lang yung tanging ganun na nakilala nyo haha gets mo ba. Basta, in some ways sana napangiti ko kayo sa kaweirduhan ko.