An open letter to my first.

Dear James Dean,

First of all, years ago I had plans to write this open letter for you. But it took long time for me to have the guts to do this stuff. Though this is a very ‘corny’ one, please, bear with me. Written here are the thoughts I’ve stored in my mind for years, the words I really wanted to tell you, but very hard to express, my unfinished feelings for you as well. So, you ready?
When I first met you, June 2009, never I would know that you’ll gonna have this big impact in my life. You’re just a classmate of mine, not even close as friend. Wait, though we known each other for years, do you ever considered me, even for once, as your friend? I’m curious. I don’t even know who am I in your life. Maybe I’m just a *piece of shit* to you. I’m shy before to ask you those kind of questions. So yeah, all this time I was guessing.

Back to the topic, the time I started to like you, I thought it was just an ordinary infatuation. You know me, I fall easily on boys who are close to me. I had many crushes before, but only lasts for months (maximum of a year). But with you, I didn’t expected this would take long, and deeper than infatuation!

Sometimes I ask, what if? When we reached third year in high school, what if we went separate ways instead? What if you or I chose not to get along together? Will I still be stuck in this feeling by this moment? Or maybe I’ll just consider you as one of my past crushes?

I thought also, what if I’m beautiful/attractive before? Wouldn’t I be stuck in the friend-zone? Would you dare to court me?

Yeah then what if we two became lovers before? Do you think we would last? Or maybe break up soon because of our faults? Maybe you became a bad memory to me instead.

Until now I ain’t sure if this is really love I’m feeling. But, you are my first love. And I wanted you to be my last as well. I wanted to be with you for lifetime, I wanted to establish a family with you. πŸ™‚

We could have our own ‘forever’ but, but no this is an unrequited love. I give you my all, but you don’t have the same feelings for me. I ask myself, why you can’t love me? Yeah I’m not that girlfriend material. But I can be the best woman you’ll ever had, aside from your mom of course.

Telling me the truth or not, I know all this time you’ve taken me for granted. I’m genius as fuck, I know all of that. But yeah, I chose to be blind, to be stupid and idiot to let you use me for your fulfillment. That’s the only way I can get closer to you, and hoping that you will soon return the care I gave you.

But no, this wasn’t your problem anymore, it’s all my fault. I fell, then I obliged you to catch me though you don’t really want to. I started to assume things that in the first place, there’s no something special between us. Just friends. Just that. Sorry for all of this shit that I’ve done to you. Sorry, we’re not seeing each other for years now but I still can’t move on.

Why does it seems that people fall in love with someone who considers them only as a friend? Why do our hearts tend to love easily? Why does it takes long for someone to move on? Why won’t you love me back?

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